Me at 14 years old at graduation.
When I was growing up, terms like “frienemy” and “haters” didn’t exist. People like that were defined as “jealous” or “back biting”. Growing up, I had a quite a few of both frienemies and haters, add to that no self esteem and sense of self worth, and a family that never fostered one, and you had a very volatile cocktail. I was internally self destructive, but I didn’t go about it like many other do by getting into trouble. For the most part, I was a bright kid with no direction who felt like if my life was always going to be one of misery, what was I really here for?
Growing up, I was overweight, which doesn’t seem like it from the photo above, but creative posing does wonders. The only thing I was ever given any praise on in my life was my singing. It was the one thing I thought made me special, made me worth anything, and I latched on to that for dear life.
That fourteen year old girl in that photo had at that point tried to throw herself off a 6 floor apartment building, burn herself to death, stab herself to death, and drug herself to oblivion, all with epic failure. Teachers and guidance councilors told me it would get better, but when you’re in the thick of depression, the misery is like quicksand, and you try to grab on to any rope, vine, or root to stop you from sinking. That was me. I was told the reason people didn’t like me was my fault and that I was worthless.
Needless to say, it’s a miracle I’m still here.
I gravitated towards after school activities like sports and debate in high school just to keep myself busy. Drugs and alcohol wasn’t an option for me, so I refocused my energies into other things. I wasn’t much for homework, so I was always borderline failing, however my test scores were always good enough. I survived by not self imploding, and by control, which itself almost killed me too. For me, all these things I was working on wasn’t necessarily for the joy of it all, but for the oblivion of forgetting about what was going on in my home life. Even if I failed, I got back up and kept going, because the alternative was worse than giving up.
I talk about this because a few days ago, I was listening to the episode of This American Life podcast below. I really implore you to listen:
(If it doesn’t play, head here)
Sometimes I think people completely forget that, outside of education, the lessons of self respect and self worth are more often times the most crucial lesson that adults fail to teach. Perhaps because it’s also the lesson that most folks have yet to learn for themselves. I heard this story and it took me back to my school days and the need to succeed. As an adult, I know that folks have their own issues and many occasions, redirect their aggression out on those who aren’t associated with the root cause of their anger, but no one told me about that growing up. Nobody told me that those that played to be my friends, but were talking about me behind my back were actually exhibiting learned behavior, or were equally, if not moreso, unhappy with their lives. That some folks don’t know how to deal with their anger, so they become violent and lash out at everyone and everything around them because they are so frustrated, so they charge after those who can’t or won’t fight back. Also, that some people become so envious at other people’s successes that they feel it diminishes their worth, when it doesn’t. These are the lessons I learned as an adult, and God, do I wish someone would have taught me these lessons sooner.
After hearing the podcast, I remembered how hyper focused people were about education, but not about self esteem or self worth. That getting that education was a magic bullet, a cure all to all of societies ills, but what I got out of the podcast wasn’t that. The main question that came up in my mind was:
“What do you think is your worth?”
Perception is everything, and the common denominator between the main kids in the podcast was where in this world they saw themselves. It was a self actualized prophesy because they didn’t see themselves as anything more, but they have the potential for so much more.
I know what it was like growing up with that kind of mentality, but I also grew up with dreams bigger than the reality my family tried to drill into me. Some of my family thought of me as insubordinate; an ungrateful daughter. Adults do get it wrong, leaning on the idea that kids are always wrong and adults are always right. We adults are human, and subject to the same errors that define our species, as are our children. We are flawed, and that’s okay. These flaw does not bind us to forever be failures. That is only defined by our actions and by our perceptions of what we are worth and what we are capable of.
Years back, a girl who used to tease me in school reconnected with me via social media. She knew she was an ass to me back then, but told me over the years, she watched some of the videos I had put together about striving for your goals and such. She was also avidly following my career. I had no idea. She apologized for her behavior and said I inspired her. Recently I bumped into someone else who, although never apologized for her behavior back in the day, did say she was so happy that I never gave up my craft and that I inspired her as well.
Then you had last night.
A co-worker of mine, who is about ten years my junior said she saw me as her mentor. A mentor! The reason was I was an adult, still enjoying things that are looked upon as childish, yet still having a full, busy career. I never shied away from who or what I am, and this gave her hope in her life. Then this morning, after mentioning what happened on social media, one of my friends wrote this:
“Your journey inspires others. Your generosity is well known among your friends. Are you really that surprised? That is really cool though to hear!!!”
Looking at the photo of me at fourteen, I wonder what would have happened if I told her one day she would inspire not only her friends, but those coming up after her, and bring hope to those who hurt her to be better people. I wonder what she would have felt or said, and if that would have lessened the pain she went through.
The one lesson I now understand, more than anything else, is what you do with your life does effect those around you. It is our responsibility, however great or small, to continually strive for our goals and live by example, the kind of life that brings us the most joy, internally and externally break down the barriers that we think we are limited to, and do so in love and faith. It is only through our example we can aspire those around us to achieve the same for themselves, thereby inspiring those around them, so on and so forth.
What if you told yourself, by the sheer act of manifesting your dreams, everyone else around you are hoping you succeed, despite how they acted or what they said, because if you’re able to do it, weakens their limiting belief, and means they are capable of achieving it as well. Wouldn’t that change everything?
If you’re receiving this, know that the invitations have already been sent out. If you have yet to receive one, here’s your official invite (click here) .
As for the progression of the show, it’s gotten better. We’ve solidified the set list and since the exit of our former bassist and the entrance of Wayan, our new one. Getting the material has been a lot easier and I’m grateful. Wayan is knowledgeable and patient and I’m thankful he’s part of the team. Aisha has been picking up the harmonies nicely and the show looks like it’s finally all coming together!
The one thing you would assume would be easy, after divulging so much here, yet, this is personal, and I was warned when I started this that it would be. You can’t make an omelette without cracking a few eggs. The fact that this will be the first time I perform two of the songs I co-wrote live will be a little frightening, but it’s all part of the process, right?
Sunday 3/1
